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Cheating is one of the leading causes of divorce, and having a cheating parent is sadly a common source of emotional stress for kids. It is difficult to estimate how many families are impacted by infidelity as the reported statistics show that anywhere from 25%- 70% of spouses have cheated.3 While infidelity can have devastating results in a marriage, it also impacts children.
There are many factors to consider when discussing infidelity and its impact on children. For example, how and at what age the kids find out, if the cheating is an isolated incident or if it’s on-going, if the child discovers the infidelity on their own, if the either parent over confides details of the infidelity, and finally how the parents respond to the infidelity.
Cheating hurts kids
Kids may feel betrayed by the cheating parents. They struggle to trust the cheating parent and others in their lives, fearing similar betrayals. They may be angry or sad at the revelation that one parent has hurt the other. The relationship between the child and both parents may fundamentally change. Give the child the time and space to process these feelings. Don’t try to force the child to forgive the cheating parent as it could lead to damaging the relationship further. The child may not want to forgive the cheating parent and the cheating parent will need to move on the child’s timeline, not their own.
Younger children may not know that a parent has been unfaithful, but they may pick up on the tension in the household. Older children may also pick up on the signs of infidelity and fully understand that a parent feels hurt and betrayed. The emotional turmoil can lead to sadness and, in some cases, depression. The child might feel overwhelmed by the situation, leading to withdrawal from social activities and a decline in academic performance.
Regardless of age, if divorce occurs, it is best for parents to express their feelings away from the child. Parents need to be careful not to bad-mouth one another in front of the child as this will only cause more tension for them. Counseling is recommended to help the child work through what they are feeling.
Kids’ reactions
In a book titled, Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults Are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful by Ana Nogales, Ph.D, Nogales lists the most common reactions children have regardless of their age.
- Loss of trust
- Shame
- Confusion
- Ambivalence
- Resentment
- Acting out
If any of these signs are present in the child, Nogales suggests that the family seek therapy immediately.2
Adult children of cheating parents
Parental infidelity can have lasting effects on adult children if the issue is not addressed. Kids whose parents have been unfaithful are 55% more likely to be unfaithful as an adult.3 As adults, these people may develop problems with trust and honesty in their relationships and their attitudes about love and romance may also be affected. They are often overly suspicious and closed-off, which makes forming healthy, trusting relationships difficult. They may have lingering feelings of betrayal toward the cheating parent as statistics show that 75% of adult children feel betrayed by the cheating parent and 70% say they have feelings of mistrust toward their parent and in their own relationships.4
Regardless of age, there are ways to mitigate the situation. Don’t overshare details with the child; be honest but avoid making the child a confidant. Check in with kids to discuss how they are feeling and acknowledge that their feelings are important and work to help them makes sense of the situation. If parents are working to repair the damage caused by infidelity, show the child that. Children will learn the coping skills of the parent so parents should be mindful of how they are expressing their own feelings. Counseling is also important—for the child and the parents. If the child is showing signs of anxiety, depression, or anger, seek professional help immediately.4